Forgiveness: Freeing Yourself, Not Them

Theologically speaking, it is said that even the most devout Christians will not get into heaven if they have not fully forgiven all those who have wronged them at some time in their lives, and fully emptied themselves of hate and resentment. It is not for me to comment on the correctness or otherwise, of Christian theology however, even apart from the religious, most people will usually agree that forgiveness represents unfinished business, and to forgive others of what they have done, is something we should all do. Let’s explore this concept in greater depth to examine what it truly involves, and why a more psychologically focused approach to "moving on" may complement or even enhance it in some cases.

Introduction

Forgiveness is central to Christian theology and is even embedded in the Lord’s Prayer [1]:

“... and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors ...”

Immediately following is this often-overlooked verse [2]:

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

At the heart of the Christian faith lies the belief that Jesus forgives our sins if we believe in him. Similar ideas appear in other religions; for example, in Islam, Allah is described as the Most Merciful, and Muslims are taught to seek His forgiveness.

Yet beyond the New Testament and religion in general, most people view forgiveness as a virtuous act worth pursuing, even when it feels difficult because of past harm. Psychological models, such as those from Robert Enright and Everett Worthington, often include components like developing empathy for the wrongdoer, which can deepen personal peace. But is traditional forgiveness always the complete solution? Let’s break the process down to see what is really happening.

Background

Forgiveness typically arises from a human interaction that has gone wrong for at least one party. The steps involved can be summarised as follows:

1.      An event occurs, usually involving at least two people.

2.      Each party expects a particular outcome, often one that benefits them.

3.      One party realises that the desired outcome will not materialise or feels aggrieved in some other way.

4.      They conclude that they have been wronged by the other party. This may range from a minor slight or insult to something as grave as the murder of a family member.

5.      The other party may accept responsibility, apologise, and/or make amend, or they may feel they have done nothing wrong, or be unaware that any problem has arisen.

6.      If the issue remains unresolved, time passes while the aggrieved party continues to feel hurt. This state resembles unresolved grief.

7.      At this point, the suggestion arises that they should forgive the other party in order to move on.

8.      The issue is declared resolved.

But is it truly resolved? For many, including Christians, forgiveness does bring genuine peace and relational restoration. However, a number of deeper issues often remain unresolved, lingering in the psyche and sometimes festering for years.

An Alternative Approach

The first of these issues returns to step 3: the moment you feel wronged. In clear cases of one-sided harm, such as murder or rape, the wrong is undeniable, and tools like reframing may not apply equally (we will touch on this below). The counterpart emotion, guilt felt by the wrongdoer, will be covered in a later post.

In ordinary mutual disputes, however, it is you who adopts the role of victim. You decide you have been wronged, you believe you deserve recompense or at least an apology, and that feeling can persist for years. One could argue that this stance carries an element of arrogance: you appoint yourself sole judge and jury, dismissing the other person’s perspective as irrelevant.

How often do we genuinely put ourselves in the other person’s shoes? Might we ourselves be in the wrong, with the other person simply reacting to our actions? How did the situation develop? Perhaps both parties contributed equally to the breakdown. When emotions run high, it can be hard to accept that the fault, or at least part of it, may lie with us.

Whether Christian or not, the ultimate goal is to reach a place where one can move forward, releasing anger, resentment, or desires for revenge. Justice may also be sought, but it is often unavailable, especially if the other party is no longer alive or reachable. In such cases, the absence of further communication can make resolution harder.

For a lasting and healthy solution, two key principles stand out:

1. The suffering you experience is happening right now, inside your own mind, even though the original event lies in the past.

2. Any healing that takes place is your responsibility alone—you must set and achieve your own desired outcome.

Many processes can help you move forward; readers can explore those best suited to their situation. Certain basic principles, however, apply to any effective approach—especially in everyday conflicts rather than severe trauma.

In Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) for example, one of the presuppositions (a foundational belief) states that behind every behaviour lies a positive intention [3]. In other words, all actions, even those that harm us, serve some positive purpose for the person performing them, however negative the outcome appears from our perspective. This is a presupposition (not a proven fact) and can be controversial when applied to serious harm, as it risks minimizing trauma. Used cautiously in mutual disputes, however, understanding that intention can reduce anger and open the door to better alternatives.

Another useful concept is reframing. Just as changing the frame around a picture alters how we see it, adopting a different perspective on a past event can profoundly shift our emotional response. For example, some view forgiveness as letting the wrongdoer “off the hook,” while it can equally be seen as a means of freeing oneself to move forward.

Ultimately, any process of release or forgiveness has much to do with enabling you to feel better and reclaim your life, though traditional models often include empathy toward the other person as part of that healing.

Finally, true forward movement often requires forgiving yourself for past mistakes. This includes making amends where possible, learning from the experience, and committing to better choices in the future. Once accomplished, you can proceed unburdened.

Conclusion

Some describe unforgiveness as unfinished business, an issue that quietly erodes mental well-being and limits one’s ability to live life fully.

The source of the anguish lies in the past and is accessible only through memory. For release to be effective, it is not about forgetting or excusing the wrong; it is about changing your internal relationship to the event so that it no longer holds power over you. This brings genuine emotional freedom and resilience, benefits supported by extensive psychological research.

Traditional forgiveness is not primarily about doing something for the other person (though it can involve that), it is, at its core, about what you do for yourself. The ideas here aim to complement it by focusing on practical, self-directed tools for personal liberation.

Notes

1. Lord’s Prayer NRSV –Matthew 6:12

2. Matthew 6:14

3. Neuro Linguistic Programming, Volume I: The Study of the Structure of Subjective Experience– Robert Dilts (1980)

 January 2026